You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
