google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I love you. Go after that dick
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
