My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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