i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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