But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
