Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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