Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
