I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The best revenge is premature balding
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
