I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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