Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
