I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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