I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
there's paper in my vomit.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
