i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
