I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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