Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
