I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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