I wish you could order shots online.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
