mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
