I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
