..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
