you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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