Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
