So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
