I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
