I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
