Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
