His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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