dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
