I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
