I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
