now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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