i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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