12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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