Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
