I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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