omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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