I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
