I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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