Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
