dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This house was built for laser tag.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
