Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
