she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
