Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
