so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
