My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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