Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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