Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Less talking, more tequila
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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