I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
