Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
