i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
