You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
